A Tale of Two Christmas Cards

I love receiving Christmas cards, or if you are so inclined, Holiday cards. It may seem overly quaint but seeing how families grow and change year after year makes me feel like there is still a connection to many of these old acquaintances. At one time or another I might have considered the sender a good friend and though we don't really write, speak, text, tweet, IM, or post on one another's Facebook wall I truly do appreciate not being dropped off their address list and still receiving a card. Of all the Christmas cards I receive my favorite type of card to receive is the card with the written family update.

The family update cards are something I look forward to every year. In my heart I know these cards were not written with the intent to make me feel bad about myself and all of our failings as a family but sometimes I wonder. The most common update is how great the kids are doing though I once read the supposed transcript of a family discussing how they had grown closer to God over the previous year. Nevertheless, whatever the topic, it seems humility is continually in short supply.

What follows is an amalgamation of all the different family update cards we've received over the years and a suspected "truth" update that I suspect might hold a little more veracity.

What a year it's been! Can't believe how quickly 365 days go by. As we find ourselves joyfully preparing for the coming of Christ (Hope to see many of you at Midnight Mass next week) it's worth reflecting on all of our blessing over the year.

What a year it's been! Time really does fly because I can't believe I got this damn old so fast. Can't believe we have to fight with the kids about going to Church on Christmas. The only time they saw the inside of a Church last year was when we dragged them to their nephew's Baptism. You'd think we were asking the to donate a pint of blood which I'm certain they'd rather do than get dressed up and stand in the back of the Church lobby. We're never remotely on time for Christmas Mass and we still have yet to find a seat.

Senior year has arrived for our oldest son _______ (Chipper, Bradley, Donovan) and we're so proud he's handling all the pressure so well. College choices were weighing on our young man so we're delighted to announce he has decided to attend Williams and turned down the offer from the stuffed shirts at Yale. We all felt Williams had the best combination of academics and athletics and as a letter man in three varsity sports ________ (Chipper, Bradley, Donovan) will be able to pursue the glory on the playing field he enjoyed so much during high school.

The most exciting thing to look forward to is _______ (Mike, Jim, Petey) finally leaving the house when/if he graduates this spring. That kid has exhausted us for 19 years and we'll be thrilled if he goes to any college as long as it's one he has to leave this house to attend. I'm not holding out much hope he'll make a full year at any school without being sent home but I'll take any break I can get. We love the kid but we won't miss his proclivity for smelling like a used jock strap, trashing my car, and leaving porn around his room. Teenagers have an all consuming superior attitude and I can't wait for him to go out into the real world and get his ass handed to him. The one thing I will miss when he's gone is his Aderall prescription. Since he stopped taking those puppies in Sophomore year those tiny capsules have become a staple of my every day routine. I don't know how I'll make it through a day at the office without them...

Our daughter _______ (Brittany, Hannah, Annibel) has truly transformed into a beautiful young woman. We were so proud of her as she went away this past summer on an eight week Spanish language immersion course in Costa Rica. But juggling the demands of academics and the temptation of so many attractive suitors is a challenge for a young woman and we are so proud of _______ (Brittany, Hannah, Annibel) for handling it so well. Her fall highlight was the Homecoming semi-formal dance. As that most beautiful creature descending down the stairs to meet her date a tear rolled down my cheek as I couldn't believe how my baby girl had grown. As parents we looked at her with such pride. She is truly one of God's greatest gifts to us.

I think that puberty and ravaging hormones have finally turned my daughter into a lunatic. It hard to believe my own offspring could treat me with such contempt but ______ (Sue, Jane, Mary-Patrick) never fails to amaze. Even more unfathomable is her ability to insult us yet continue to spend our money like it's her own. Between the clothes, iPads and that eight week "spa" to deal with her eating disorder she has almost wiped out my savings. I think the worst part of the year was the Homecoming dance where her outfit looked like something you'd buy on Halloween in the slutty vixen section of the store. As horrifying and inappropriate as her fashion choices were, her date was even less inspiring. The idea of this pierced nose, tattoo covered loser slobbering all over my daughter was unbearable. It left me in a prisoner's dilemma choice. I could pray that she might heed my years of advice regarding prudence or hand her a box of condoms because I didn't want any of that boy's DNA joining our family lineage.

And how can we not mention the baby! What greater gift in life is there than becoming a parent again at our age. Thirty-one months ago the arrival of little ________ (Deven, Harris, Gavin) reopened an entire world to us and now we have the opportunity to relive so many of life's most joyous moments: Strolling through the park, going to music class, nursing. The possibilities for this child are endless. It's hard to say what talents little ________ (Deven, Harris, Gavin) may have at this point? Reading, music, puzzles? All these activities are things he truly loves. Still, of all the things that make him happy I'll bet it's sleeping every night with his Mommy.

Can't forget the youngest though often times I do. Although he's almost three my wife still treats ______ (Rick, Doug, Peyton Manning Junior) like an infant. Given the infrequency of coitus over the past years I'm still not convinced that little bastard is even mine. There's lots I've forgotten from when the other kids were that young so I can't be certain but I worry this kid is just plain dumb. Crayons up his nose, poop on the walls and he keeps sticking my remote controls in the dog's water dish. I'm a patient man but I'm reaching my breaking point. That kid has been in my bed every night since he was born and I get in trouble for waking him up when I close the front door to leave for work at 4:30 am? Last, the breast feeding has got to stop. For the kid and for all of humanity who has to watch. My wife's boobs are like my hairline. Their visual heyday was in the 90's.

Still it's not all about the kids as my wife and I were able to sneak away for a romantic getaway down in Turks and Caicos. It's so invigorating to break away from the daily routine to rediscover why we fell in love in the first place. I don't want to brag but based on our week there the good folks at the Kama Sutra have asked us to write a new chapter for the soon to be released update. Never forget the woman you fell in love with. It is through our love, fidelity and faith that both of us will find the overwhelming love of Christ this Christmas season.

Another year older and closer to the grave. Hard to believe we're still married given the mutual disdain we hold for one another. To say we're going through the motions would give us too much credit. It's not like we have nothing in common. We both despise our neighbors and love vodka so we definitely have things to talk about. Likewise we did manage to grab some time away from the kids. The problem was that time was spent with our marriage counselor and I can say that I didn't feel better for the experience. It seems we're paying for "safe space" to tell one another how unhappy we are. At least it's "safe." It's not all bad because she still hasn't discovered my second cell phone and third credit card that I use for my mistress and my bookie. Quite frankly those are the two healthiest relationships I've had in years.

Have a joyful and blessed Christmas. You and yours will be in our prayers this season.

Cheers to you! Make certain the beer is cold and never stops running. If you can spare a good thought please pray that the Giants cover against the Eagles next week. If that baby comes in it'll save my ass from financial ruin.