Coming Soon! The 20th College Reunion

It's about six weeks until I attend my 20th college reunion and the same time frame rings true for many of my contemporaries out in suburbia. My email is buzzing with questions, "Are you going?", "Who's coming?", "Where are you staying?", "Kids?" Of course I'm going and so are you. Look, we don't see these people any more because the weddings are over and we're unlikely to be invited to their kids' weddings. Not to be maudlin but we're more likely to hook up with the college gang at a funeral as opposed to any thing else so you've got to hit reunion. And the 20th college reunion seems like a big one even if the 25th reunion is officially a bigger deal. Looking back at the previous reunions they just don't seem to measure up to the 20th. The 5th reunion was my favorite because it was an absolute regression where we thought we were still in college and we drank like it. It was an excuse to see old friends and party like it's 1989. We didn't care that the university set up our class party under a tent in the parking lot because amenities weren't that important to us back then. We were 27 years old and still had our sea legs for rocking all night and so many of the old haunts around campus remained the same. Only a couple of people were married and fewer had kids so there was absolutely nothing holding us back (and believe me, nothing did. People brought back their favorite bongs and still knew how to work them.). Interestingly enough a few of us had younger siblings attend the same school and their graduation was a week before our reunion so we had consecutive weekends of jumping in the hot tub time machine.


The 10th reunion was rocking but the pace slowed. While we still ripped through shot glasses at the Tombs on Friday night, the hangovers the next day were just crippling. The Saturday night affair was tame because so much of the class jumped out of the gate way too hard on Friday night and the after effects showed. Where the spirit was willing, the body just couldn't follow. It was somewhat of a turning point because for one of the first times you really felt old visiting a place you always associated with being young. But what the 10th reunion really was just a continuation to all the weddings we were going to every summer. We saw our college gang often over those years as at least three of them would get married every spring/summer and you'd probably be invited to two of those weddings. Reunion was the same party without the embarrassing bridesmaid dresses.

Things changed dramatically at the 15th reunion. A fair number of people didn't bother going because we were winding down the wedding cycle. They had spent a reasonable chunk of money traveling to all these weddings over the years and most of us had logistical issues regarding who would watch our kids in our absence. On the other hand I think some personal embarrassment started to keep people away. That marriage all your friends came to ended in divorce in two short years or maybe your career was still unstarted and you were intimidated by all these masters of the universe. Introducing yourself as a "stay at home parent" felt embarrassing when your former roommate just made partner at her law firm. For many people it was easy to find a reason to stay away. Those of us who came found we had grown up quite a bit as we stayed in hotels instead of dorms, we had dinner reservations instead of pizza boxes and we even managed to attend the all class picnic. Keg stands were out, glad handing faculty was in. What really struck me was how much better the women looked than the men. Everyone was still on the south side of 40 and while the hairlines were receding I don't think the women were missing the opportunity dress up and highlight what all the men had passed over all those years ago. It was a little comedic that the guys were dressed casually and the women were totally decked out but it was undeniable, the women simply looked better.

What do I expect to see at my 20th? Actually I don't expect too much different from my 15th. However the things that will be different with be relatively surprising. I don't know what it will be and it won't be shocking or scandalous but I do expect the unexpected. Something along the lines of the girl who was the meekest and quietest person in school will have married the hottest and loudest boy toy around, or one of the guys will have decided to botox early rendering him completely unrecognizable. I'm hoping my most conservative, right wing classmate shows up with a ponytail, an earring and finally understands why social welfare is reasonable and necessary. All those scenarios will provide outstanding talking points and I'm certainly looking forward to those kinds of surprises.

Still, that's on the margin. What I expect to find is the men have aged much harder (think bald and heavy set) while I suspect many of the women will continue to look great. Total stereotyping on my part but the women I know in my part of the country are totally focused for reunion regardless of what school they attended. They are dieting, hiring personal trainers and highlighting the grey right out of their hair. This is their chance to show that even after forty years they've still got it going on. And for all those guys who ignored or just plain dissed them in college, well they missed their chance to have a wife who brings home the bacon, fries it up in the pan, and you know the rest...

Quick segue for a funny story. A few years back a friend was going back for some kind of reunion so she spend the week on the full spa touch up. She did it all. Mani, pedi, wash, cut, color and wax. When the husband saw the bill he didn't question the price. It was the Brazilian wax that made him wonder who she was trying to impress...

I also expect a more active singles scene because there are plenty of divorced folks now. Being divorced is no longer a source of embarrassment when you cross forty. Actually it's not shocking that some of those weddings you attended didn't work out. If your friend couldn't keep it in his pants before, or if she was a domineering bitch in the first place, you really can't be stunned they stayed that way after they got married and subsequently, their marriages ended. At reunion I fully expect to see the cougars bring their A game and go right after their single classmates. After all, you already know one another so the awkward ritual introductions single people go through at suburban bars is unnecessary. Combine that with the romantic longing for the past, lots of alcohol, and hotel rooms already paid for. In short, it's a lock.

Otherwise who knows? More people are bringing their kids because they want to show them off. The only problem there is parents often believe other people are really excited to meet their kids when after the 30 second introduction the desire is over. Whatever the case I'm excited. Break out the Grecian Formula and squeeze into those Spanx. Set the ipod to Janet Jackson and pour the cabernet sauvignon. We're coming back! Flawed but wiser. Heavier but confident. We're just a walking set of contradictions but this is who we became. It'll be good to see you.

The Frozen Flashback, April 3, 2010, Morristown, New Jersey

They called it The Greatest Game Never Played and for 21 years any one with any knowledge of the original event would have agreed with the description. The 1989 New Jersey State Championship game was never played because one of the participating schools, Delbarton School, was quarantined by state officials because of a measles outbreak. Interestingly enough, that was the only measles outbreak in North America in the last 21 years as well. St. Joe's of Montavle, New Jersey was left without and opponent and both teams were named co-champions. A solution that satisfied no one.

After a newspaper article appearing last March commemorating the 20th anniversary of the cancellation, the idea of actually playing the game picked up momentum. Fortunately a number of Delbarton alumni worked for both the NHL and the New Jersey Devils and once those organizations threw their weight behind the concept, the Frozen Flashback was barreling down the tracks. The official NHL charity, Hockey Fights Cancer, got involved and suddenly over $250,000 was raised.



The game was this past Saturday and it was awesome. I didn't play having graduated from Delbarton prior to 1989 but my younger brother was a senior on that team in 1989 and I did play with most of the players when they were underclassmen. In short, I consider myself a member of the Delbarton hockey family so I really think I appreciate everything that went down leading up the actual game last Saturday.

The game was thrilling. Final score 3-2 Delbarton. But the box score is probably the least compelling part of the story. The money raised, the causes served, and the camaraderie and the intensity of all the players were apparent to everyone who watched from the stands. Still numerous events are staged for charity and most people write a check, nod politely and attempt to give the tickets away to some junior staffer at the office. But this game was different. This game captured the national media; it was the most emailed story from the Wall Street Journal online the week of March 20th. People who knew no one from either school heard the story and were fascinated at the concept and the reason why is simple enough.

Every one wants one more shot.

Obviously we all miss the idea of being young looking at a world full of possibilities but that's not what I mean. Everyone knows that Ponce de Leon was wrong and it's impossible to turn back the clock. Delbarton and St. Joe's weren't going back in time, instead they were finally getting closure. No more what ifs, should haves, or if onlys. They got to step up to the plate and take their cuts and in the end, what more can you ask?

If you ask around it's stunning how most youthful regrets center around the athletic field. It's tempting to think a failed romance would bring the most angst and it certainly does at the time it's happening but by middle age you realize it was fairly unlikely you were going to marry your high school sweetheart. Even if Marty McFly and Doc Brown had their DeLorean time machine for you and you could go back and ask that special someone to the prom before JP Flynn beat you to the punch it's doubtful you'd be together today. Face it, experience has shown how much happened to you in your life between that moment and the time you actually got married. A million other things would have to break right for you to be together today and the odds those things would have happened are one in a million. You should also be wise enough to know marrying the girl you loved so much at 16 would not guarantee anything about being happily married today.

But reflecting on the failed athletic endeavor isn't like that. Nothing in the present changes if you had won except one thing. On that particular day in your life when you played the actual game you'd be a winner and that feeling stays with you forever. We know this to be true because the loss still gnaws at you twenty five years later. We don't reflect on the lost game as to how it would affect our life today. The fact that you didn't get the promotion to regional manager has nothing to do with losing a tennis match in the 16 and under singles in 1992. Likewise your wife and kids don't love you any less even though you were cut from the varsity soccer team as a senior in 1986. Instead every person remembers the one game they lost and how much it hurt and the only reason they still think about it is because it would have meant the world to them on that day if they had won.

That's what brought out the intensity at the Frozen Flashback. That's why I saw grown men throwing quick, hard jabs when battling for the puck in the corner and that's why any player screening the goalie got a cross check in the back. Both teams wanted this so badly you could feel their hunger. All the players trained for months to get here, waking up at dawn and skating outdoors at 5:45 in the morning to retrain their muscles and hone their skills. Everyone is overworked, underpaid and no one has any "me" time thanks to the overenthusiastic way we throw ourselves into our kids' lives. No one hits a bucket of golf balls on a Saturday when their kid has a kindergarten tee ball game scheduled. However, this game meant so much that these overtired professionals found the time, got into shape, and gave up their Saturday nights to scrimmage other old man teams in preparation for the day when it would finally be decided.

The game had it all: quality goaltending, plenty of penalties, and an outcome in doubt right to the final horn. But for all of us in the stands it just brought back something beautiful and painful at the same time. The pain it brought back was the jealousy to be replaying our own athletic Waterloo. The beauty it brought back was the hunger to give it one more shot. Just dreaming about it makes you young and innocent again. Alas we know it will always remain a dream but at least we all watched a dream come true for a bunch of middle age guys who made it happen. It looked like it tasted better than anything you could possibly imagine.