Business Travel

I don’t travel for work all that much and that’s kind of a blessing and a curse. I truly believe that leaving the office and going to other cities is good for the soul. Not only does it allow me to expand my knowledge, it makes me a little less egotistical as I actually consider the possibility that there might be one or two reasons to work some other place than Manhattan (for someone else of course). Still, I like going home most every night and most true road warriors quickly tire of the endless travel their respective professions require. I’ve never slept as well in a hotel as I have in my own bed and I’ve stayed in some swanky places. That doesn’t mean I never leave the office because I do attend a number of business conferences every year sometimes as a customer and sometimes as a potential customers. I’ve been working for over twenty years so despite my lack of constant travel I have racked up the miles over the course of my career and I’ve certainly garnered a few stories and other nuggets of information over the course of these journeys.


Back in the early 1990’s I traveled much more than I do now. That makes sense because when you are young and don’t have kids you’re much more willing to take the show on the road, particularly if you can expense the entire journey. But being young isn’t what made business travel different in the 90s, it was the way companies viewed business conferences. Back then a business conference really was a boondoggle in every sense of the word. A typical business junket included at least two rounds of golf on some fantastic course, expensive wines and the food was over the top. I remember scarfing down plates of shrimp that were larger than baseballs. Bring your wife/girlfriend and the sponsor would have her set up for a few spa treatments while we attended the few presentations that made it seem like we were actually working. It was crazy fun and an absolute waste of corporate resources.


On the other hand I had other wild experiences early in my career when I worked for companies that did not have the money to waste on lobsters and personalized golf shirts. In fact, back then most of my friends had incredible stories about the training trips we all took back when we started out in the business world. Personally, I started my first job two weeks after I graduated college and I had to drive down to the MacIntosh Inn in King of Prussia, PA to learn how to sell photocopiers to a world still grasping the demise of the ditto machine. I had no idea what to expect and I didn’t know anyone else in the training class. I checked into my double room alone and I probably cried myself to sleep realizing how foolish I was to leave college after only four years. In retrospect I should have stretched that gig out as long as possible! Anyhow, when I opened my eyes in the morning there was some dude in the bed eighteen inches away from me. WTF! I was absolutely stunned having no idea that the company was doubling us up in these $49 nightly rooms. Now as I was processing the situation the guy jumped up out of bed to introduce himself and he was butt naked. For the rest of my life as a professional I will never forget how the first moments of my career started, with me staring at some guy’s package wondering if this strange dude took advantage of me while I was sleeping. The rest of my training week was very similar to the stories my contemporaries told me from their training weeks in their respective professions: meetings and product classes all day and absolute debauchery at night. The three women in my training group were stalked by the fourteen guys like treasures Indian Jones would be searching for. One friend told me the story of how a long term affair started in her training group of pharmaceutical sales people. Two married trainees (but not married to one another) hooked up at their first training off-site and they continued to get together ever few months when the company brought the class back for further product training. She even ended up pregnant from one of their “seminars” which was somewhat difficult to explain to her particular spouse.


Fortunately I found my way into an industry that let us have our own hotel rooms when we were on the road and now enough time has passed that I’ve learned enough about business conference behavior to write a book, or at least a blog post. Today’s conferences are far from the boondoggles of twenty years ago and there are good reasons for that. First, companies are run much more tightly and wasting money on rounds of golf when you’re laying off employees is not considered good corporate behavior. Also, as professionals we all work much harder than we did in the past. If I’m going to leave the office for a few days it better be worth my time. Now the “fun” part of the conference is on the weekend. Sorry, the weekend is my time and if the choice is a round of golf in Scottsdale on Saturday and a late return Sunday night, I’ll grab the Friday night flight and head home. I’ve already had four meals with my fellow attendees and I don’t think they’ll miss me. But it’s more than not being a boondoggle, business conferences are now profit centers for the sponsoring company so expenses are kept to a minimum while generating revenue is the goal. To ring the cash register the conference host company now places the bar in the exhibit hall where sponsors have paid big bucks to have a lame little table where they are desperate to interact with potential customers. This concept really makes sense and it’s a wonder it took so long for conference hosts to realize this. The attendees are the exact group sponsors want to pitch to and here are hundreds of us who make decisions about how our companies spend money. The exhibit hall sponsors staffing these tables are interesting folks. Their companies wrote big checks for them to be at the conference so they better return having made some contacts with potential customers. To lure you to their table they’ll put out swag they hope you’ll find appealing. Unfortunately too many sponsors have the same idea of what kind of toys we’ll find interesting. Here’s a hint, I don’t need any more pens, stuffed animals wearing a shirt with your corporate logo, or another travel mug. Now if you’ve got a cute masseuse manning the massage chair, I might spare you a few minutes of my time. Actually I always walk the aisles in the exhibit halls; I feel like I should make a token effort to see if anything catches my interest. The trick is to avoid making eye contact with any of the sponsors as they’re frantic to get your business card and even more desperate to take you to dinner. If they lock eyes with you might get trapped for the next thirty minutes listening to how their business process will revolutionize the industry. Even worse they’ll probably call you six times the following week suggesting they come visit your office with their regional head of sales. It makes me feel like the sponsor is showing me off to his boss just as a guy shows off his new girlfriend to his ex. “Look who I made friends with!!”


No one is ever going to ask me to organize their conference but I’m certain all these companies would benefit from my years of experience. First let’s talk about my favorite subject, food. There is all kind of food available during the course of the day outside the conference rooms and most of it is fantastic. I love sugar cookies, Arizona Iced Tea, and chicken empanadas. However it just seems all the food should consistently serve one purpose, to keep you awake. When you put out the soft pretzel station in the middle of the day you better spike the coffee because I’m going down. Walking back into a dark conference room for my fourth power point presentation of the day after woofing down three mini burritos is a guaranteed nap. I don’t care if you’ve raised Steve Jobs from the grave and he’s explaining the next great business revolution, my eyes won’t stay open. Still it’s more than the grazing choices during the day, what about the offsite dinner? Over the past ten years I’ve been incredibly fortunate because I usually bring the same co-worker to all the conferences I attend and she is an all star. Everyone asks us to dinner because they know if she’s at their table it’s going to be a fun night and typically I’m just riding her coattails. However, often I’ve been honored to be invited to the executive dinner with the top people from the hosting company. My fellow attendees often ride me pretty hard about abandoning them for dinner at the big boy table but I really appreciate these meals. Because these are senior executives you might think these are very stiff gatherings but you’d be wrong. I’m not saying we’re doing keg stands but usually it’s an interesting group and I actually enjoy hearing about someone else’s business and their goals and challenges. My issue is our host taking us somewhere really far from the conference. On the one hand I’ve been at the same conference center since 7 am so I’m thrilled to get off campus; however it’s the long bus ride that becomes the issue. These days I always travel alone so I don’t have my wife to come to ride with me in the two seater on the bus and I haven’t really had a chance to meet my future dinner companions. Instead it’s random chance whom you’re going to be sitting with for the ride out to dinner and if the ride is over forty minutes and you’re stuck with an introvert as your travel buddy that’s just an exercise in pain. Would it be rude for me to pull out my iPod because we’re both dying out here? On the way home it’s easy, I’ve met these folks and the free flowing wine has loosened all our vocal chords but wow have I suffered on the outbound journey. So you've got three choices: put a traveling bar on the bus, give us all iPads for the long journey or pick a restaurant close to the conference. Any of those three work for me.


Speaking of cocktail hour, the drinking aspect of business conferences is quite interesting. It is my belief that professionals behave remarkably different than they do at home when it comes to enjoying a few adult beverages. It is too simplistic to say that professionals are unchained animals when they're on the road and away from the spouse and children. I'm not saying that I haven't seen some folks get fairly nutty but I've found that the single folks are the ones who play hardest on the road. Once I was at a conference just south of Ft. Lauderdale which is almost an hour north of South Beach. Don't think for a second the distance deterred these single folks from heading that way and returning to the hotel at 5:30 the next morning. Party on rock stars! Still, most professionals attending a conference are well aware they are on display and representing more than themselves. While they probably drink for six hours straight they usually keep it together within reason (except for the time we all ended up in an Indian casino at 4 am). On the show 30 Rock Alec Baldwin's character, Jack Donaghy, referred to it as "business drunk" implying that if your drinking is part of your job you really can't be held fully responsible for your actions that come from drinking. That seem a fiction to me but people getting "business sick" the next day is 100% reality. The comedy, as always, is the 8 am morning session on day 2 is a ghost town no matter how many Tylenols are in the gift baskets.


I've probably spent too much time discussing food and drink when today's conferences really are about work and profits for the host company. To insure a successful conference sponsoring companies need speakers who draw people to the conference and help turn a profit. I've been fortunate to hear numerous famous speakers over the years and I found very few were actually worth the hype. In fact, speakers I expected the most from often left me wanting and others of who I had low expectations were surprisingly engaging. For example, I thought a renowned orator like President Clinton would knock our socks off describing the Clinton Global Initiative and instead his presentation was disjointed and unfocused. Conversely George W. Bush was extremely quick to answer audience questions and was remarkably witty and self deprecating. Other speakers who were mediocre include Sen. Bob Dole, Bill Belichick, Deepak Chopra and former White House Chief of Staff James Baker. However the dubious distinction for worst keynote speaker has to go to Bill Rancic, winner of season one on Donald Trump's The Apprentice. I had exceedingly low expectations and he didn't even come close to meeting them. Did Trump pay the conference sponsor to give the guy something to do because I can't imagine any one writing a check to this guy tell his "inspiring" story. The best speakers I have ever had the honor of hearing were author Michael Lewis, Hank Paulson, former Navy Seal and author Eric Greitens and Gen. Colin Powell. General Powell’s story is amazing and let's face it, people from both sides of the aisle hold him in extremely high regard. Regardless I really loved hearing the stories from the conference sponsors detailing the requirements for each keynote speaker. I couldn’t get enough of the details explaining that the general only is flown on a G-4 and it is to be fully stocked with Minute Maid orange juice. Tropicana need not apply.


I have a different suggestion for headline speakers though I know it will never work. My idea is to bring academics who are known for their outstanding lectures. I left college over twenty years ago but there were specific professors we absolutely loved for their lectures. They would command the attention of the hall and put on an intellectual show often bringing their lecture to a conclusion most unexpected. These academics teach and lecture as a career so they are comfortable in front of the room, they know their material better than most every one, and they've most likely heard and answered every question attendees can ask of them. Alas, it seems conference hosts will always rely on big names to encourage people to sign up and I can't really blame them. If there are two equal conferences and the keynote for one is Tony Blair and the other is NYU's best corporate finance professor I’m going to choose the former Prime Minister every time.


Regardless of the speaker's bio, every presentation has similar characteristics. For example, whatever the topic each presenter needs to know they've got about 4 minutes to keep our attention. If we're not interested after four minutes we'll stay, but our heads will be pointed downwards so we're can stare at our iPads. We might work, play Angry Birds on mute, or even blog, but we're done listening so don't waste time when you get up there. Start that presentation with a bang! Of course one way to do that is with the audio music that plays while you approach the stage. I've always enjoyed listening to the music professional baseball players choose for themselves to be played when they step in the batter's box; it opens a window into their personality. From their musical selections I've concluded that Derek Jeter remains contemporary and hip, Nick Swisher is a redneck, and Mark Texiera is into being a parent playing his daughter's favorite Miley Cyrus song. Conference presenters should be able to choose their introducing music as well. If I heard the 1974 classic Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas while the new head of business development walked to the podium, I'd be listening as the choice would be so random. Then it would be the presenter’s job to explain the song choice in the first few minutes or we're back on our crackberries.


Recently I turned down an invitation to a conference I've attended in the past and historically enjoyed. In this case I was not a customer of the sponsoring company and I was beginning to feel like a free loader enjoying their largess. I guess that means no gift bag with local salsa and company logo golf balls. So it looks like I can call it a year for my business travel. Just as well. I’m always fearfully I’ll end back in a double room in King of Prussia PA and that was an experience I have no interest in repeating.