Mid Life Crisis? No problem! So many ways to deal with it

“I’m definitely going through something.” Wow have I heard that statement from so many different people over the last few years. While some folks might be afraid to label it a mid life crisis if it looks like a duck, quacks likes like a duck, you probably need a cocktail to wash the reality down. I really don’t think my contemporaries are freaking out about this particular new stage of life. Most people recognize that this is a good time to be alive and soon enough the kids will be gone and we’ll reflect longingly on these days when the entire family lived under one roof. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean we’re not lamenting the passing of our own youth. We are. From what I’ve witnessed there are so many reasons a person might be “going through something “ and there are even more ways to react to what you might be going through. But whatever you want to call it or however you choose to deal with it, it’s undeniable that we are definitely “going through something.”

I’ve observed and experienced numerous different reactions to the mid life crisis and before I break down my essay into reasons for the “change” and the reactions that the “change” might bring please know that I’m not judging any one in this critique. Well, that might not be entirely true because I am laughing about so much of what I see and I have to admit to a fair amount of angst on a personal level from starting to entertain thoughts regarding my own mortality. In the past two months I've buried a good friend and had surgery on my abdomen so that empowers me to become incredibly reflective. As always, as long as we can laugh at our surroundings and ourselves maybe these events won’t be the death of us yet.

So why are we so upset? So many books and articles have been written about the subject I should question what can I possibly add to a body of work that fills 75% of a Barnes & Noble self-help section? Lacking a degree in either sociology or clinical psychology I only have empirical evidence yet so much of what I have witnessed probably resembles your own experiences. There are 45 million US members of Generation X. We aren’t the narcissists of Generation Y who think everything should be catered to them and we’re still the generation that laughed with Eddie Murphy and call Kurt Cobain one of our own. Maybe it’s a stretch to say we’re still cool, but we still think we are so tough crap. The fact that we also propelled numerous Lionel Richie songs to the top of the charts remains a stain on our record so we’ll ignore a few missteps along the way.

The most base reason to have a mid life crisis is when you start to question if your best days are behind you or in front of you and let’s face it, on the other side of 45 that might be a question most people don’t want to ask themselves. As I often do I found the secrets to one of life’s mysteries on a sitcom. On the last episode of Scrubs (before they came out with that super weird final final season set seven years in the future) the main character, JD, had one of his lame epiphanies that his future was unwritten. His future was his own to bravely make, the world was his oyster waiting to be opened. Whatever and shut the fuck up! What struck me about this lame scene was the montage they played as he looked to his future; all the events he would have to look forward to in his life were laid out before him. As Peter Gabriel’s Book of Love was playing in the background JD looked out to witness the highlights of his future: his wedding day, kissing his wife’s pregnant belly, and his kids celebrating Christmas with his bests friends’ kids. In other words, there is absolutely nothing going on in our lives at this moment that he would be looking forward to. As most of you know when you live with a teenager those cute scenes change to arguments ranging from homework to basic hygiene (which really shouldn’t be an argument but remarkably still is). Book of Love? Give me a break, it’s more like the Stones 19th Nervous Breakdown aka “Mother’s Little Helper” should be playing in the background of our lives. By the way in 2014 “Mother’s Little Helper” has a simple name. We call it vodka.

The kids really do drive so much of this anxiety and it applies to both sexes. As a man I’m coming to realize I’m no longer the dominant male physical specimen in my own house. And while that has some upside as the kids can shovel the driveway as opposed to waiting for me to do it, I have passed the mantel of big, strong Dad because these boys are becoming physically stronger than I am today. Am I lying around depressed because my son is a better skier, runner and baseball player than I am? No. But do I miss being able to run a marathon? Yes and watching my kids surpass me physically reminds me of my own diminishing physical prowess. Once I was viewed as the Uber Dad, blessed with super powers and designated protector of the family. Today I’m often viewed as the jailer who limits access to the car keys and the person who unplugs the X-Box when I get sick of them staring at it for six straight hours. As for a stay at home Mom, once the kids are closer to leaving home everything starts to change. For sixteen years a mother has been the dominant person in their child’s life and now that teenager is so much less dependent on that parent and worse, often outwardly rejects their mother’s counsel on virtually everything. Even though Mom is right 98% of the time she’s treated like the village idiot. Moreover, it’s already troubling that your kids don’t need you as much in their lives, but being that stay at home parent often covered up many of the other holes in that parent’s life. In particular if the kids don’t need you all the time how are you going to fill that time? Raising kids was so all consuming that ten years ago you didn’t have five minutes to have a spare thought. Now you do have time and often the thoughts are what happened to the dreams I once had and what do I do with the rest of my life?

So those are some real happy thoughts right there. If you weren’t going through something when you started reading this you probably are right now. Sorry to bum you out. Now let’s have some fun as we examine the different ways to deal with the mid life crisis. Once again please don’t think I’m being overly critical as I’m just as guilty of numerous violations as most people I know.

The Inertia Safety. Everyone knows someone in this place. This person can’t change and desperately does not want to. They spent countless hours complaining about how things have changed and they pine away for things to return to the way they once were when the kids were young and adult friendships weren’t so strained by competition. This person only has classic rock on their iPod, buys tons of lottery tickets hoping that winning will relieve the pain (and it might). They complain how easy kids have it today and how things were so much harder in their youth. Harder but better dammit because of the values those hard times instilled! This Gen Xer is just gearing up to turn into someone from my seventy-eight year old father’s generation who long for the old days when every one was white, Christian, straight and male.

The Explorer. This person is on the opposite side of the spectrum from the Inertia Safety. The explorer is open to change, is looking for new things and anxious to try them. There are so many different levels of the explorer. On one level you have someone who tries seemingly harmless things, a new hair color, new color contacts lenses, and other examples you see portrayed in pop culture. Maybe they buy a convertible or a pickup truck they simply don’t need but they always wanted to own. Then there are less superficial and much more dangerous ways to be an explorer. Sometimes it’s an extramarital affair and this affair can be either heter or homosexual in nature. Other times our friends explore deeper uses of chemical substances. Former teetotalers (spelling from Wikipedia) start smoking pot on a weekly basis and pot smokers start doing cocaine to get through the day. Other parents find solace in taking their kids' meds. Maybe the networks should reverse those public announcements warning parents about teens raiding medicine cabinets when we’re the ones stealing drugs not prescribed for us. Let’s face it, explorers can go a long way off course once they leave the straight, and often mind numbingly boring path, their life has been on for the past twenty-five years. Some exploring has healthy ramifications, maybe a person follows a new spiritual path that brings them peace or maybe they find a new career that brings them excitement. The one explorer that drives me nuts is the person trying to enjoy only things and ideas that they think will make their kids like them. For example, if you are the parent that only listens to your kids’ favorite music and attempts to dress like them then you really are heading down the wrong path. Some things really are just meant for teenagers and when you’re the mom at the school message center dressed in the same outfit as the sophomore girls that is the opposite of Martha Stewart. In other words, “It’s not a good thing.”

The Physical Transformation aka The Fighter. I really do admire this person and aspire to be like them. This individual has decided the best way to deal with mid life is to get into incredibly physical shape and defy the aging gods. Hiring the personal trainer, kick boxing lessons, and a steady diet of kale and organic everything. These are the highlights of the fighter as they rage, rage against the dying of the light. Maybe they can fire up the knees for one more marathon or even better, an Olympic Triathlon. Throw in some regular Botox work and maybe a pair of new boobs and you might witness a total physical transformation that is simply awesome. The only downside is the body often isn’t ready for the Krav Maga (Israeli commando workout offered all over suburbia) training. One moment you are dominating the 20 year olds in your kick boxing class, the next moment your sensei is carrying you to the emergency room as your Achilles tendon snapped like a piece of dry linguini.

The Reversion. This Gen Xer is the most commonplace and draws much of its characteristics from the other labels we’ve previously discussed. This individual loved their past so much they are going to attempt to relive it right now. They’re up for a drink at any time of the day, any day of the week. Remember how you went out to bars any night of the week regardless of work in your 20’s? The reversion feels that way at 45. If you had such incredible fun in those early days of college and adulthood it stands to reason that those activities remain just as much fun today regardless of age. On one level I understand the logic. This person isn’t suffering from inertia, they’re taking action against their angst. They’ve engaged the world and they’re excited about it. Likewise, they’re often willing to explore new things like new bars, new music, new cocktails and if you’re the lucky spouse, new sexual positions. However, the reversion has one enormous downside, they need you to go out with them. The most vital aspect of our bar hopping days in the 90’s was the gang we did it with. There was never a shortage of wingmen/women willing to hit the town and drink Jager shots from an ice luge. Today the reversion flies through friends because most contemporaries can’t keep up with them. The hangovers are too crippling and it’s too hard to rebound to do it again the next night. The problem for the reversion is he/she believes this mythical time machine behavior is going to bring everyone back to a time of great happiness. Who knows? Maybe it will make the reversion feel rejuvenated and alive, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the reversion’s friends will find the same happiness in the same behavior. I love the reversion because the rock star behavior appeals to me and inspires me. I also hate the reversion because eventually I’m out past 1 am for the 3rd time in two weeks and that dog just don’t hunt no more.

I’m certain there are other characters and most of the people I know do not fit neatly into any one category. Instead peoples’ behavior manifests many diverse characteristics of the different labels at different times. Most important I think the behavior and the angst surrounding the mid life crisis miss the larger point, which is I believe that this period of life isn’t worthy of the anxiety we allow it to bring into our lives.

In 2007 the cover story for The Economist’s year end issue was something called the U-Bend. The essence of the story is that age 46 represents the nadir of adult happiness. The article explains that happiness actually increases as we age despite what we were originally lead to believe. Once we pass 46 the way we view the world changes for the better. Maybe we’ll be a little less hard on ourselves, more accepting of our own limitations, and more understanding towards others which it turn, should make us happier. I don’t know if that thesis will prove correct and I take exception with the last point as I plan on celebrating Festivus and the airing of the grievances for at least another decade. Still, I rather look forward to a brighter and happier tomorrow than hanging on to a romanticized remembrance of my past.

So what’s my remedy for the mid life angst? It’s mostly the explorer. We need to keep trying new things where we can find new meanings to inspire us. Keep going to the theater, see new movies when they come out. Change the dials on your car radio to something different. Instead of always going to Florida in the winter, go to Arizona. I’m not saying change everything because I know there are things we look forward to in life every year. Maybe it’s the start of golf season, opening day at the beach club, or the first Giants home game in the fall. All those days are great and I have no doubt they are the type of events that bring us great joy. My point is we need to be open to finding new events and ideas that can lift our spirits just as much. So many of the things we look forward towards are simply repeats. We’ve done all of them numerous times and as great as they are, maybe we could be a little more willing to try something new. We don’t need to give up the things we love, it’s just a matter of avoiding the rigidity that makes us unwilling to try new things.

But that’s what I think and I’m certain it may not apply to anyone or everyone. So don’t hold back. Be whoever you want to be whether that means you’re angry with your friends for changing or you’re about to sign up for a pole dancing lessons. Whatever it takes to get you going. But if you need a wingman in the city on Wednesday night, call someone else. I’ve got to go to work in the morning.